What is Marriage For?

Marriage

Today we’re continuing in our series on sex, marriage and the family. Today the topic is marriage – what is it and what is it for. To get us started on the right track, let’s read from Hebrews 13.

Our text is part of a list encouraging believers to live well according to God’s will and design for life.

Hebrews 13.1-6

Keep on loving each other as brothers. ² Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. ³ Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

⁴ Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. ⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;

never will I forsake you.”

⁶ So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?”

These verses place marriage right in the middle of the high calling God gives believers. God’s people are to be different in their priorities and values. An example to the world of God’s love and good design for life. But let’s be honest. Right now divorce statistics are the same for those in and outside of the church. What’s gone wrong?

It seems that believers have forgotten what marriage is and what it’s for. In my experience more couple are concerned about planning their wedding than preparing for marriage. Many couples treat sex as the foundation for their relationship instead of the climax. Last week we discussed sexual purity. Sex outside of marriage exposes the inner person with no protection against hurt or abuse. Singles are called to wait for sex until marriage because marriage is the only container strong enough to protect sex and those who engage in it. Marriage and sex must go together as a single unit; it’s precious and needs the power of Christ to keep it protected, safe and whole. But surely marriage is more than sex, right?

So let’s get into it: What is marriage?

As we saw last week through Genesis 1 and 2, marriage is God’s gift where men and women find a partner to open themselves to. Someone to share life with. Someone to help them understand themselves and their urges.  Someone shares a desire for intimacy– intimate communion on every level. Emotional, spiritual and physical. Because it is in just such a union that it’s safe to bring children into the world; where spiritual growth and emotional maturity happens; where sex can be enjoyed vigorously as the good and powerful God given urge that moves people toward each other.

So, what is marriage? It is the relationship of two equal but different persons both made in God’s image, intended to be a life-long exclusive partnership marked by faithfulness and love, where the man and woman become one, growing and maturing by learning how to express and receive love.

And as the Biblical story unfolds nothing changes except that reaching this goal becomes harder. Marriage remains a union marked by a sincere commitment to deepen the bond between them, remain faithful to each other and to stay married; there is a public declaration of the marriage done through local customs and sexual union.

For Isaac and Rebecca we read they saw each other and he took her home – bam, married. With Boaz and Ruth he made a commitment to the Elders and slammed his shoe down – bam they were married. With Mary and Joseph - an arranged marriage - again, bam they are married. Customs change the essentials remain the same: the couple commitment to each other in a public declaration and ceremony, they respect local customs and join in sexual union = marriage.

What’s so hard about that? Not much except that not everyone agrees. It seems clear that many people want to define marriage to suit their own goals. Most if not everyone come to marriage with their own ideas and plans and self-interest. Most come into marriage wanting their own way. And this causes tension, arguments and when things go very wrong separation, loss and grief.

What’s gone wrong? To find the answer let’s take one more look at Genesis 1-3 where we hope to rediscover one more thing that God has designed for marriage. It’s good but often misunderstood and abandoned. We’re about to explore how God designed marriage to work through male headship and female responsiveness, otherwise known as submission. So because many only think they know how to handle this life giving teaching, let’s review and be sure.

There are a few things to note in Genesis 2.

⁷Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground . . . ¹⁵ and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. ¹⁸The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”  ²¹So he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. ²² God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

²³The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

for she was taken out of man.”

These verses tell us four things. First, the man is created first and lives alone for a period of time naming animals and taking care of things. Second, while he is created of dust, the woman is created from man indicating strongly that they belong together, she is made out of him and that makes them equal. Men are not better than women in any way. Third, under God’s guidance the man names the woman, moves toward her and honours her. And fourth this all happens before the fall, which mean that God’s design is good and life giving.

It’s for these reasons we get the meaning of headship, which is “In the partnership of two spiritually equal human beings, man and woman, the man bears the primary responsibility to lead the partnership in a God-glorifying direction.  Ray Ortlund

The man has the responsibility to lead their wives and children along the way with God, while God gives the woman the role of being “a help corresponding to him.” Created as a helper who is equal but different not less than: partners who exactly complement each other.

And then Genesis three happens.  Marital harmony becomes disrupted and disordered. Sin comes on both of them. Eve is deceived by Satan because Adam gives up his role as leader. We can ask, why is Eve making small talk with Satan, where is Adam, he seems to be close by. Maybe he thought like so many men still do, oh well she’s better at religious stuff than I am.  Sin enters when the created order is reversed by husband and wife.

The Bible agrees and lays the blame on both. 1 Timothy 2 describes how Eve becomes a sinner and Romans 5 says sin came into the world through Adam. Through both sin comes and brings conflict into all relationships starting with their own.

Genesis 3.16 tells us that immediately female responsiveness becomes rebellion. There we read, “To the woman God said, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”  It’s important to know the word translated “desire” is unusual. It implies an aggressive desire, a desire to conquer or rule over, an urge to oppose her husband, to act “against” him. And male headship becomes domination. Men now respond to women with a rule that comes from greater physical strength and aggressiveness, a rule that is forceful and at times harsh (the verb māshal).

God’s good design has been twisted. Too often women are abused verbally, emotionally or physically by husbands who are bullies and too often men are also abused verbally, emotionally or physically by vicious wives. Hopefully this explains why so many of us struggle with relating to the opposite sex. Not only are we created as different beings, male and female, we are also confused and burdened by sin. It’s a serious problem and yet in Christ men and women are called to embrace godly headship and responsiveness.

Col. 3:18–19 “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” And not surprisingly the greater burden is placed on men. 1 Peter 3 tells women to not nag their husband and men should not bully their wives. But only men get the warning, if you do bully your wife “it will hinder your prayers.”

Slowly on now, we begin to see the challenge of marriage and keeping the marriage bed pure. The simple understanding of the verse is, don’t let anyone or anything disrupt the bond between husband and wife. Don’t let anything come between you and your spouse. Not the kids, not money, not the job or career, not another person or sport or hobby, not a sexually explicit picture or film or anything else that may come between two people. In some ways that’s easy – anyone with will power can do it. We’re talking about resisting the sin that still distorts our actions.

Our text can only be met in Christ and in his power. It’s telling us that marital fulfillment comes through embracing and redeeming male headship and female responsiveness. Accepting responsibility, doing the hard work of becoming Christ like men and women.

We asked, what is marriage for? Well, marriage is where men and women can be transformed by their life together to live in harmony as God intended. Where men exercise empowering headship, lead and take responsibility for the spiritual health of his wife and children. Where women exercise empowering responsiveness, partnering with their husbands in all aspects of married and family life. And that is huge, impossible to do on our own; possible only with and in Christ.

To the married men here, do we have the courage to lead? To submit to Christ, to be personally responsible for the spiritual nurture of our wives and children? To initiate and personally lead times of family prayer, bible reading and bring our families to worship?  To teach our families what it means to  follow Christ? Do we have the courage to balance work and hobbies so that we regularly have time and energy to really be present with our wives or children? Time and energy to meet their emotional needs as only a father can? Do we have the courage to change the way we live and accept the role God has given us? Do we have the courage to accept that there are times when our wives refuse to follow because we are being bullies?

And to the married women, do you have the courage to submit to Christ and resist taking charge? Do you have the courage to respond to his leadership, help and encourage him in this without taking over?  Courage to insist that he perform his role as head of the home.  Are you committed to respecting and supporting him as he learns how to live true to his primary responsibilities of spiritual care and nurture? Will you allow him to lead you and your family? Do you have the courage to accept that there are times when your husbands  fail to lead because you are getting in the way?

All who believe in Christ are called to live into a new reality. Do we have the courage? Christ says, I will never leave or betray you. Do we have the courage to call for help when our marriage partner refuses to change and accept their responsibility to serve or respond in love? Do we have the courage to confess past sin and ask Christ to heal our heart and make our marriages beautiful?

We have a choice each day to receive what God has intended for marriage. It’s hard work; it’s worth the effort. In the words of one who did:

How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the faith.… Nothing divides them, either in flesh or in spirit. They are, in very truth, two in one flesh; and where there is but one flesh there is also but one spirit. They pray together, they worship together, instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another.… They have no secrets from one another; they never shun each other’s company; they never bring sorrow to each other’s hearts. (Tertullian, To His Wife)