So what is Sex For, Anyway?

Message: Sex

Matthew 19.1-12

Text: Matt 19.4-6

Today we’re entering a minefield. The issue before us is crucial, but uncomfortable; it is exactly the kind of issue we should talk about, but often don’t. Why? Because it addresses something so basic to every human being we are threatened by it.

The issue is sex. There, I said it; it’s now out in the open. So while you may find this awkward or embarrassing because of your own sexual past or opinions, please hold judgment until we’re finished.

Let me give you a snap shot of what’s going on.

On the one hand, this morning we celebrated the baptism of two infant boys. They are, obviously, the result of two sexual beings – a man and a woman – coming together in love and security. They are the result of a deep emotional, spiritual and physical joining. This is sex as it was meant to be.

But, on the other hand, today the typical 10-11 year old will have already seen sexual images up to and including nudity. By 15, 1/3 of all 15 year olds will have had sexual intercourse. By 18 the number will double to 2/3. And, half of them will have had multiple partners. Studies suggest teen boys have sex to gain social status and girls are looking for intimacy. Both can be traced to a lack of close friendships or family bonds. Some will have had sex because simply due to peer pressure. I understand this personally, in grade 9, my best friend was sexually active. In Grade 12 a different friend found himself a dad.

In Canada during 2005 there were over 30,500 teen pregnancies. That is about 3 for every 100 women between the ages of 15-19.  Over half of these pregnancies ended in abortion.  By age 19 25% of women will have had at least one STD, which can seriously affect their ability to bear future children.

And all these statistics apply in and outside of the church. The average age for a teen’s first experience with sexual intercourse is 17½ years old. The only group of singles to produce those willing to wait for sex are those who take faith very seriously and in that group 1/3 wait until the age of 21.

I could continue with statistics of those who divorce because of infidelity, or the sexual habits of those who invite others into a marriage, but I think we get the point.

It really seems that given the state of things in our world today, teaching the Bible on this topic should probably happen more often than once in a long while.

And so that our goals today are clear we’re discussing:

What is sex for?

And what does the Bible really say about the place and sacredness of sex?

Let’s read a text from the New Testament that addresses these matters. Matthew 19.1-12.

⁴ “Haven’t you read,” Jesus replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Jesus has a clear and simple understanding of where sex fits in life. As the one through whom all things were made, Jesus knows also how human beings are sexual in our core.  Before the Fall into sin and distortion, our first parents were made in two separate and distinct genders – sexes. No confusion and no distortion.  Adam was a male; Eve was female. Their body chemistry, their brains and their physical characteristics determined by God’s creative work. The result is that today a typical male – me - can only relate to others as a man and see the world as a man does. I don’t understand the female condition, I can’t. Just as women cannot truly understand the male condition.  And this is good, it keep life interesting. The Apostle Paul says it’s a mystery.

Being two distinct genders our first parents were drawn to each other. Adam sings poetic:

²³ The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

for she was taken out of man.”

He is drawn to Eve and she to him. They belong together on every level. They intuitively understand that it isn’t good to go through life alone. A partner is needed one in whom they can be fulfilled as a pair of different but equal life partners. Created for union with each other; In a perfect world, God intends that men and women find a partner to open themselves to. Someone to share life with. Someone to help them understand themselves and their urges. Someone who will help them mature. Someone who arouses them and desires intimacy– intimate communion on every level. Emotional, spiritual and physical. To be one flesh means to be known and to know at all these levels, noting left out. No secrets, no resistance, no domination. God is pleased when they embrace; all is as it should be. They are naked and not ashamed, invited to know each other mind and body. Willing to enjoy a deep, meaningful relationship that includes an exciting and fulfilling sex life for both husband and wife.

We should remember like all else in the Garden, everything God established there is good. Being male is good; being female is good. Being sexual is good and having sexual intimacy is good.

Genesis 1.27-28, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. ²⁸ God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth”

That’s a clear invitation, isn’t it? And other Bible texts agree that even after the Fall, sex is good.

Proverbs 5.18-19 “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. ¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Song 1.2,4; 2.6 “²  Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine. ⁴  Take me away with you—let us hurry!  Let the king bring me into his chambers. ⁶  His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me

But sex also needs protection.

The next verse in that passage says, this:

 “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

You see after the fall things don’t necessarily become sinful, but they certainly do become marked, distorted and disordered by sin.

Originally sex was meant to come last in a relationship. First the couple came together, exploring on an emotional and spiritual level who the other is and who they are. Creating a bond that will endure before and after physical sex is even possible. And this exploration is carried out carefully, a step at a time because the goal is to become fully open with the other, to test whether the other loves the person or is just after the person’s body. They say beauty is skin deep, but true love sees the true person.

Since the Fall disordered sexuality makes that hard to grasp. Because of the curse males often dominate and use women for their own selfish pleasures. For their part women resist godly leadership and use men for their own selfish pleasures. In both cases a person has become a thing. A series of living, breathing sex toys. In distorted forms of sexuality there is no connection, no person, just things used selfishly. 

There is a lie in our world that says this is okay. Our bodies are unimportant; true fulfillment comes only on the emotional or spiritual level. It’s a lie. 1 Corinthians 6 teaches us that sex joins people in the same way that is described in Genesis 2. The two become one in body, mind and spirit. Whether we believe it or not, there is no such thing as casual sex. All sex is personal – it involves the whole person and it is never casual because two are joined on every level.

We are spiritual beings not objects to be used for another’s pleasure. Using other people directly or through pornography will never fulfill the good and deep need residing in each person. This is a difficult but inescapable reality. We have sexual needs because we are made that way, and equally important are our emotional and spiritual needs. Abusing one will affect the others.

To be healthy, the three must be kept together. This is why true love must be established before physical sex is safe for both participants. True love involves handing your heart, your ‘self’ to another. It’s risky and requires vulnerability. It’s the hard work required before sex can have the meaning God intends. True love is giving up control and becoming vulnerable to be joined to or to join with another at every level of being.

In having sex you hand over more than just your body; everything is opened before the one who takes. Emotions, thoughts, beliefs and body. What if the one you hand all this to, is only just playing around with it? What if their only goal is to take your body? What if after enjoying your body selfishly, they casually through your heart aside?

In Matthew 19 Jesus says what God has joined let no one tear apart. What is a broken heart but to be betrayed in these ways? To be used and discarded. What happens is that scar tissue begins to form around the heart. Let’s be honest, unchecked participation in disordered sexuality is ultimately a prison that prevents the person from fining true intimacy. It becomes more difficult to open to another person. I wasn’t safe then, will I be safe now? It becomes more difficult to have self-respect. It becomes more difficult to be faithful when married.

So what is sex for and why is it sacred needing protection? The Bible is teaching us that sexual union is the climax of a deep meaningful relationship, not the foundation. Ultimately, sex belongs in marriage because marriage is the only container strong enough to protect sex and those who engage in it.

And if this makes no sense to you, then you are probably not yet ready for sex.

Next week we’ll talk more about marriage, but in the time we have left, let’s see how everyone sitting here can live responsibly as sexual beings.

1.       Take responsibility for your own sexuality.

Frequently the Bible asks, are we slaves to bodily urges distorted by sin or are we free in Christ?

³ It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; ⁴ that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 1 Thess 4.3-4

The point here is simple. Married or single, our bodies and how we treat them matters.  Almost all youth both male and female will go through a period of self-exploration and masturbation. This is normal and while it is a normal phase of sexual release for teens or a responsible alternative to intercourse for those who are older, it should never become a substitute for the hard work of building that relationship we’ve been talking about. And yes, for those who are married masturbation may continue as a mutually agreed upon activity either alone or together. The truth is that in healthy sexuality there is always a desire for self-satisfaction to deny it is to be naïve or dishonest, but nothing should prevent the goal for the two becoming one on every level.

2.       Keep sex within the protection of marriage.

No doubt this message goes against our culture, but here goes anyway. Singles, desiring intimacy is normal and a worthy goal. At the same time singleness may be God’s call on your life. We read that earlier and if so there will be a sense that God has given the grace to live out that call.

But, if lifelong singleness is not for you then please keep in mind that waiting is appropriate. Singles have just as much opportunity to form satisfying intimate friendships as married people. Singles committed to this are often better at relationships than married people, many of whom rely on sex as a substitute for intimacy. Again, the truth is that we do not need sexual intercourse to be whole people.

Abstaining from sex before marriage also builds for the future. It helps form a strong self-image so that the sense of worth is based on being made in the image of God rather than on animal urges or a desperate search for belonging at any cost. Abstinence before marriage helps with fidelity in marriage. Why is it surprising when a spouse who was promiscuous before marriage struggles with fidelity in marriage?

To that end singles should consider the following questions before they decide to have sex

1.       Am I ready to reveal all my hopes, dreams and fears before we have sex?

2.       Am I ready to engage the adult responsibilities of marriage and family life?

3.       Am I sure that my partner is as committed to the same level of vulnerability as I am?

4.       Have we both shared our sexual past, openly, honestly and forgiven ourselves and each other?

5.       If you are engaging in sex right now, is it wise to continue or is it preventing a deeper more important bond from growing?

And finally for those who are married, are you still enjoying sex, why or why not? You too can ask each other questions that build intimacy and openness.

1.       Do we only has sex because of physical desire or a need to be touched?

2.       Is sex also important as a means of bringing us closer even when we don’t feel like it?

3.       Is sex the icing on the cake or is it all that seems to keeping us together?

4.       Are we both protecting our own and each other’s sexuality?

The only way that sex provides the full wonder of what God desires for us is when the relationship is intimate, growing and fiercely guarded by both partners. Next week we’ll discuss marriage.