What About The Family?

Over the past two weeks we have been working through some challenging material. Sex, marriage and today’s topic, the family, topics that affect all of us in some way whether young or old, single, married or single again. The web of family relationships cannot be escaped. For better or worse we are sexual beings organized into groups and it’s in those groups that we figure out how to become adults, marriage partners, or not and where we get our first introduction to parenting.

And so we begin. I had an interesting experience as I worked through today’s text. I began doing word searches and defining certain words and then I got a random thought.  So I typed into Google two simple words: angry children. And guess what? Out popped the number of hits, that is references, to those two simple words: angry children. Guess how many I got? 288,000,000, that’s right, over a quarter of a billion references.

And as I looked deeper I discovered what many of you know to be true. There are many angry children and youth in the world today, the problem is in fact getting worse and parents are struggling with what to do about it.

Many well-meaning parents just don’t have the tools to parent well. And even if they do have the tools many parents are doing it on their own either because their partners are absent due to work, divorce or death. The truth: parenting is hard work.

So I’ve been wondering about all of that and thought it timely to hear God’s word on family life.

So let’s read a familiar text out of Ephesians 6. We’ll read verses 1-4, which is based in the traditional two parent home. I mention that to assure single parents that there is a message of hope for you as well. This part of the letter is concerned about family relationships based on faith in Christ. In him there is strength to live well.

Ephesians 6.1-4: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”  Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

There are two points to the text. First, children are called to accept their parent’s training and instruction as a sign of respect and obedience.

And second, parents are responsible to create the kind of environment for that to happen.

So let’s first explore the responsibilities of the children. The Spirit is urging that children obey their parents. The text is simple clear and exact. Obey, means to respond to, accept, it comes from the idea of answering the door. And honour:  also means just what it says: give worth to someone, respect. And children, both young and old are told to do so for three reasons, it’s the right thing to do, it is a part of their own devotion and belief in Christ and by doing it children are promised a full and blessed life. And as we look around in the world, children who grow up doing the right thing and honouring those in authority tend to have just such lives.

The truth is that all children are engaged in a battle of wills with their parents from day one. True, some will express it more strongly than others, but all will battle. There is no getting around it; which is why disrespectful children need to be corrected. It may seem cute when a toddler throws food or makes a scene in a public place, but by age 5 it will no longer seem so.

At that point, you may be wondering what ever happened to my little bundle of joy. There is a new diagnosis being made now. It’s called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. And it shows up at about age 5 when after living their early years without boundaries that communicate safety and love, children are angry, rebellious and act out.

We all might as well accept the fact right now; all children, all of us have Oppositional Defiance Disorder. If I demand you all do something right now, some will do it out of respect, some out of fear. Some will refuse quietly and others will tell me to get lost. Isn’t that about how children and youth act when parents try the same thing?

So respect and obedience are expected from children, but there are important limits to this, built right into the text.

Limit 1 – children are asked to obey, but they do not have to obey ungodly demands. Believing children have a unique challenge here to follow Christ first and then the will of their parents.

Limit 2 - The age of the child will change the expression of honour and obey.  The Old Testament taught that to honour went hand in hand with to obey. Honouring or respecting your parents – both mother and father - is the most important way to express obedience. For children living at home, honouring both father and mother is obeying, living by the house rules. While for adult children who have left home honor and obey means to have a respectful attitude toward both father and mother. It does not mean to obey them in everything.

Let’s shift direction to see this from the other side. Parents, when our children leave the home, we have to let them go. They remain our children but out of our control. If all has been well, a bond of respect should allow us to speak into our children’s lives. If this is true they will ask our advice, but make their own decisions. That is as it should be, the result of creating an environment of trust where the words of our text come true.

We’re now into point two: the parent’s responsibility.

Good parenting involves discipline, but it also involves building and maintaining healthy relationships. Fathers set the tone in the home. Fathers are charged to lead the effort with the cooperative support and help of his wife. Together creating a godly, stable and safe environment for the whole family to be nurtured and matured in.

In a perfect world, headship and being a father does not mean being the absolute ruler and supreme commander. Those are terms for the military. Being the head of the home, is more about conversation and partnership whereby the man invites the wife into discussions on how best to follow God’s design for parenting and children. It means getting on and staying on the same page about discipline, instruction and nurture.

Men can and should learn from their wives. We are created differently, with different insights and primary emotions. Husband and wives do well to work it out together as part of their marriage vows – the two becoming one flesh.

And this approach is essential to being a good parent.

The text says: fathers must not exasperate their children. To exasperate is to provoke anger. And this can be done in many ways: by making unreasonable demands, insults, petty rules, showing favoritism being over-critical; having overly ambitious goals for their children, being overindulgent and being overprotective.

And such actions cause children to become discouraged and angry people.

Here are some comments from teens:

·         "I get angry when there are other priorities, no time for me and I feel like I don’t matter."

·         "I get angry when my parents are unfair and there’s no point in talking to them."

·         "I get angry because I love my parents and they act like they hate each other. How am I supposed to respect them when they act like that."

·         "I treat my parents the same way they treat me."

The thing to remember is that anger is always a secondary emotion. Something makes us angry. For example, a teen makes a mistake – drops a bag of groceries. They feel bad about it and then a parent tells them to be more careful or reminds them of the cost, it could be anything like that. Suddenly that teen now feels shame, hurt and anger. They lash out and storm off. What other words could be said by the parent?

The terrible reality is that provoked children become settled in their anger. It becomes their way of life.

So, how can this change?  It seems in at least two ways. First, fathers and mothers ask yourself and your spouse if you exasperate your children. If you’re single you’ll need a friend to help with this. Talk about it and find new ways to correct with encouragement.  Second, observe your children. It’s usually easy to see if a line has been crossed and when it has been talk with them about it. Confess and ask forgiveness; we’re all called to learn from our mistakes.

Today, some families operate as they did in Paul’s time. Children were taught through beating and intimidation. Obedience came through fear. Instead, Paul wants Christian fathers to be gentle, patient educators of their children.

Paul’s concern and ours should be that our children are nurtured and raised to know God and have respect for others. Nurtured means to provide for physical and spiritual needs; in the training of the Lord, means teaching children right from wrong by sharing scripture and personal faith stories; Instruction of the Lord means the act of providing guidance for responsible living in the world.

Ultimately, the concern of parents is not simply that their sons and daughters will be obedient to their authority, but that through this godly training and instruction their children will come to know and obey the Lord himself as responsible citizens in society.

And again a limit: no matter how heartfelt and sincerely godly a parent or parents may be, Ultimately, disobedient children will bear the consequences of their actions, even as wise parents will never stop trying to show the way and receive the wayward child back home.

The message for families today, no matter how you think you’re doing is to accept and believe that “in the Lord” healthy, functioning family relationships are not just possible but likely. Refuse to accept that the battle of the generations is just how it is. Satan really is trying to set father against son and mother against daughter. As the Spirit reminds us:

Eph. 6.12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

We should all realize that in order to be a healthy family together, families need time together. Children and teens need parents who are available both physically and emotionally. The need is growing. The world takes normal teen urges to explore, test boundaries and question everything from the Bible to the point of going to school; the world twists those urges into things and choices that are truly risky, life threatening and altering.

Teens need a safe place to talk about such things as sex, tattoos, drugs, alcohol and their dreams, goals and understanding of the world. Parents, if we refuse to talk about such things, our teens will find someone else to talk with. Someone who may not have the wisdom to help guide the faith journey properly.

We are all broken; we are all tempted to speak before listening, to deal with surface issues rather than listen to the heart. But in the Lord, all of that can change. Single parent or two parent, three parent families or four. All can find healing and unity around the table. It may be the most profoundly simple thing to do, but in my experience precious. Eat meals together and talk. Do it daily, if at all possible. And don’t worry if talk becomes an argument; that is still communication, just keep at it. Learn from it, deepen love and trust because of it.

Remember, just as Christ brings us together around his table, something equally powerful happens when we share meals with those we have differences with in our own families. Embrace that, embrace Christ who makes us one.