A long time
ago, when I was married for just a few years, I had a conversation with someone
I worked with. It was a summer day, warm and somehow we got into a discussion
about marriage. She had heard about something Christians talk about a lot and
wanted my take. The topic was headship. She had no direct experience with the
Bible but knew one verse: “wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” And she wondered about how she’d seen that work in her world. She talked about men who were if not clearly
then certainly borderline abusive both physically and verbally. I countered
with stories of manipulative women who shredded their husbands in public and
humiliated them behind closed doors demanding all manner of things for sex.
I tried to
explain what that verse really meant. We talked about complimentary partnership
and mutual love and aspects and how family decision making is best done. But in
the end, as in most cases, she wanted the bottom line, so to speak. Is there a ‘boss’
in the marriage relationship? So I told her what I understood the bottom line
to be. At least as I understood it then. She disagreed and we left it at that.
Different strokes and so on.
Now years
later, I still reflect on that conversation and the text that prompted it:
Ephesians 5.21-33. I reflect on it because I fear that for much of my life I’ve
been uncomfortable with how I’ve understood it and how I’ve seen couple after
couple misapply it. Headship is real and biblical, but that never protects a
good idea from abuse. So, when asked me to speak on this text, I quickly agree,
It gives me one more chance to think it through.
Make no
mistake; this is a beautiful passage of scripture. It describes the mutual
nature of love within marriage through two very different expressions, which
taken together form a proper foundation to build on.
Let me point
out a few things in the passage that can help all of us understand and apply
these words helpfully.
First, it’s
important to keep verses 21-24 and 25-27together. Each set of verses form
single sentences. So an italicized phrase between 21 and 22 is out of place.
Verses 21-24 describe
mutual love between a man and a woman with the emphasis on how women can model
love for her husband as the church loves Christ. Verses 25-27 explain how
husbands ought to show love for their wives. Just as Christ does for the
church. Together we see that in marriage love is mutual. Wives are asked to
willingly accept the leadership of her husband and husbands are to love self-sacrificially.
Verses 28-32 confirm
this by alluding to and quoting from Genesis and the first marriage. The
delight Adam had in realizing that with Eve he is with ‘the one.’ The only one
who can partner fully with him in life. She is the same: Bone of my bone, flesh
of my flesh, he calls out! And yet different; the man was alone unable to
succeed in life without the gifts and abilities that came along with his life
partner. And for her part Eve is only able to be successful as she willingly
comes alongside of her husband. As the helper, there is no
sense that the woman is a lesser person because her role differs. The helper is
the indispensable “partner” needed to live the fullness of marriage.
This is God’s intention for marriage before
and after the fall. Marriage is a balanced relationship between the man and the
woman: two persons, equal in status as God’s children. Two who live in a
delicate one-to-one relationship in which one is the leader of the other. A
delicate balance that married couples will spend their lives understanding and
working on.
Verse 33 is
the summary: “Each one of you
also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her
husband. “
The key word
for husbands is to love - agape: to have love for someone based
on sincere appreciation and high regard—‘to love, to regard with affection,
loving concern.’ As you,
husbands, love yourself. However a man treats his wife will come back as equal
treatment from her.
The key word for wives is respect, Phobeo:
to have such awe or respect for a person
as show great reverence for, to show great respect for.’ As ‘to stand with
one’s heart in one’s throat’ or ‘to be in someone’s presence with one’s heart
beating fast.’ And yes while respect is earned, it must also be freely given
first.
So clearly, neither the husband nor wife can
demand such an attitude from the other.
So by now, some questions might be forming in
your minds. Questions like – but isn’t that rather complicated? Can’t we just
say the man is the head of the house and leave it at that?
My best answer is maybe. Doesn’t it all depend
on what being the head means?
I wonder, isn’t it true that some marriages
are better described as power struggles than partnerships? Isn’t it true that
abuse goes on in homes between wife and husband? Isn’t it true that submission
is used like a weapon and the reaction is manipulation? Does any of that sound
normal, good or in agreement of what this text explains?
For those who are married, isn’t it important
that we do the hard work of establishing our marriages on truth rather than
misunderstanding?
Might a better question would be: How can we,
in light of the fall, in the realization that every man and woman has a bent
toward controlling the other in marriage, how can married couples live in
mutual love that benefits both and is a safe place to nurture children?
Let’s begin by addressing that question to
husbands.
Husbands out there, does your wife know and
believe that you cherish her above yourself? Is she the priority and does she
have full and complete access to your life – thoughts, dreams, emotions - so
that she can help you achieve the family goals? When she speaks do you take her
seriously? Wives have a different point of view – it usually pays to be slow to
speak quick to listen.
Does she know that you love her just because
and not for anything she does; simply because God has brought you together? Is
she is bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh? Are you better together? Does
your wife have your appreciation regardless of any flaw or mistake? Does she
believe she has your affection beyond the farm or business, your concern? Is
your wife confident that even if you from time to time speak careless words out
of anger or frustration that you realize your sin and will repent seeking her
forgiveness?
Does your wife see your leadership as
beneficial to the family? Does she see you walking with Christ? Just as the
head of woman is man so Christ is the head of man. Is Jesus your Lord in all
aspects of life and can your wife tell? Do you lead your family to church each
Sunday to be encouraged by the word and enfolded by God’s people in life-giving
community? Re-read the passage; men, we have the responsibility to lead our
families the same way Jesus leads the church. In humility and strength, in
service and in courage protecting our wives and children from whatever harm may
come their way. The calling of leadership is difficult.
That’s lots to live up to. No worries, no
husband will never get it completely right, but don’t let that slow your
passion. Be for your wife the best husband you can. Love her, cherish her and
help her see Christ in you. Continue to
read, pray and worship together. You know her past hurts, her fears; you also
know her joys and passions. Help her to grow in faith and grace, nurture her
dreams that she can throw off the past and embrace life together with you.
And wives, for most of you, I suspect
there was a time when your respect for your husband was ’ As ‘to stand with one’s heart in one’s throat’ or
‘to be in his presence one’s heart beating fast.’ I hope that’s still the case.
But if not, isn’t it time to ask why not? Willing submission is hard work. Men
are not hobby projects to change. We don’t respond well to nagging or
manipulation. Men want to work with not for their wives. Men usually have a
hard time with expressing emotions the way you do, don’t make us, it won’t
work. Help us by listening and accepting that anger is an emotion we will
express along with joy and affection. Let us think out loud without critique or
judgment. If you want our thoughts, you’ll hear all or nothing, learn to be patience.
Quick to listen, slow to speak. Oh and don’t lie to us. We’ve been told to be
strong and independent too often already. We’ve been told that your submission
starts in the kitchen and ends in the bedroom. Don’t give the lie more power. Come
along side us as Eve did Adam; most men will respond with the same enthusiasm. Be
your husband’s loudest cheerleader. He really can do anything if he believes he
has your respect and admiration. Never belittle him and never step in where he
must act.
That’s lots to live up to. No worries, no wife
will never get it completely right either, but don’t let that slow your
passion. Be for your husband the best wife you can. Love him cherish him,
support him. You know his past hurts, his fears; you also know his joys and
passions. Help him to grow in faith and grace; help him be ready to face each
new day with courage.
On your
wedding day you begin a journey. And along the way you will make mistakes, hurt
each other and yourselves. That’s unavoidable. Of course what’s also
unavoidable is the continual opportunity to get up and try again, and again.
Take those opportunities and make the most of them. Learn from them and each
other. May it be true of you that two have become one in all the ways God
intended. Walking together, keeping in step with each other and the Lord. Sharing
life together as partners, lovers, friends. So committed and on the same page
that headship and submission are a blessing and who’s the boss is never comes
up.
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